Hi son. Last night I went to dinner. I was gone for five hours. On my way home I started to think of you. I started to think about how if anything ever happened to me you would be so young you would never know how much I loved you. Even if you were older you would never know.
You would never know that I love you to the deepest depth of my soul. That I love you with every thing in my body. You would never know that I love to sit and kiss your toes, and the soles of your feet. That I love to stare at your perfectly round little head. Or your puffy little cheeks and your tiny nose. How I love to hear you say the word loshish instead of lotion. How much I love being the one who knows when you say milk, or who understands that shake means you want me to flavor your milk. I love knowing when you are tired and letting you climb up on my lap and just fall asleep in my arms. I love how soft your skin is and the color of it. I love watching you eat your macaroni and the way you can't let a noodle go uneaten. I love to tickle you and hear your big giggle. When you giggle my heart stops for a second. I love watching you brush your perfect little teeth, and how you love to brush your tongue the most. I love the sad face you make when you wake up. I love when you wake me up in the morning and shout MOM. I love how you ask what I'm doing.
Brandon I just love you so much. You are the most important thing in my whole life. The best thing I've ever done. The only thing I ever need to worry about. You are the real true love of my life. I love your independence. I love how you do things your own way and how you do them like me. I love how you are a little carbon copy of everyone around you. I love when you call grandma and papa on the phone and you tell them all about mama and dada and Elmo. I love the face you make when you kiss me. You pucker your lips in the most perfect little O and give the best kisses. I love how much you enjoy whipped cream but not ice cream. I love the way you eat your Cheetos. You put one end in your mouth and say crunch crunch crunch and eat it like a rabbit eats a carrot. I love how you hold things between your pointer finger and make this cute little face when you do it.
I love when you sleep and your little lips pout out. When you sleep you look like the bald newborn I first brought home. I love to hear you breath at night. I love when you make a fist in your sleep and wiggle it back and forth like you did inside of me. I love that your personality outside is the same as it was inside. I love when you turn down my music. I think I could probably type for hours about things I love. I wont though. I will come back another time and tell you more things that I love. I want to make sure that no matter what, or when you look back and you know, your mom loved you the most int he world. No one ever loved you as much as me and I never loved anything or anyone near as much. Brandon I love you more then any words could ever describe. Good night my son. Muah!
7.22.2007
7.02.2007
A memory
Have I ever told you about how you used to smile and laugh when I would nurse you? When you got a little older, and you started to laugh you would do this thing where you would look up at me, and I would raise my eyebrows and you would break out in this big smile. The smile would break your latch but you wouldn't let go all the way. You would make this funny little laugh that sounded sort like henh. It was so cute. You would just look up and smile then go back to nursing and stare in my eyes. I think because I nursed you, you and I have a special bond. Maybe it isn't even that, maybe its just because you are my little boy. I think you and I were meant to have a special bond. I was born to be your mom some day and you were born to be my son. Its memories like that that remind me, you've loved me from day one, and I, well I loved you before you were even born. It's as though I spent my whole life knowing, some day I would meet you and we would fall in love, and you would look into my eyes and smile as though I was the only person you were ever going to love in your whole life!
Hi son
Dear Brandon,
Have I ever told you that I think your beautiful? Well I do. Your sitting here next to me on the couch. You have your bowl of string cheese torn into Brandon size chunks and your little green cup of water. In fact right now you shoved the computer off my lap and put my arm around you because you wanted to cuddle while you ate your cheese. I love to sit and stare at your small features some times. Like now, I'm looking at your teeny head and your feet that are half the size of mine. I'm marveling at the fact that legs are the length of my calf. I love how your fingers are the size of my toes. I love looking at how small you are sometimes because when I look at you as a whole you seem so big. Sometimes I have to break it down to remind me your still my little boy. I imagine I'll be able to do this right up until the day you are taller then me.
Your personality is getting so big now. Your favorite movie is Ice Age and during the scary parts you sit up on the edge of your seat and proclaim huh in an exasperated oh no sort of way. Every morning when I turn on the TV you ask me Ish Ashe (Ice Age)? You love to eat cheese, and you have recently discovered shredded cheese, which makes for a nice mess when I serve you up a big plate of grated Parmesan cheese. You think you are too old for your high chair now, so I got you a booster and you sit at the table with daddy and I.
When I ask you where your baby brother is you point to my belly and then you kiss it. I love when you do this.
In the morning when you wake up you run out of your room, climb in my bed and stick your face about an inch from mine and proudly shout MOM HI MOM HI until I roll over. If I don't roll over fast enough you grab my face turn it toward you and say MOOOOOOOOOOM HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Then I get a big hug and kiss. You only do this with me. You either know better then to wake up dad or you just can't wait to see mom. In fact if I sleep on the other side of the bed you get so pissed off at me until I move.
I've been on bed rest for a while which means I'm not allowed to pick you up. I cheat sometimes because not picking you up just kills me. I hate not feeling like I'm 100% your mom. Your the only thing in my life I feel like I do right, and the only thing I feel totally appreciated for. So not doing my job fully just kills me. I need to pick you up and hold you and spin you around and squish you and cuddle you.
I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I love you Brandon. Your still my whole world, your still the best thing I've ever done. You are probably the best thing I'll ever do. Good night my son I love you!
Have I ever told you that I think your beautiful? Well I do. Your sitting here next to me on the couch. You have your bowl of string cheese torn into Brandon size chunks and your little green cup of water. In fact right now you shoved the computer off my lap and put my arm around you because you wanted to cuddle while you ate your cheese. I love to sit and stare at your small features some times. Like now, I'm looking at your teeny head and your feet that are half the size of mine. I'm marveling at the fact that legs are the length of my calf. I love how your fingers are the size of my toes. I love looking at how small you are sometimes because when I look at you as a whole you seem so big. Sometimes I have to break it down to remind me your still my little boy. I imagine I'll be able to do this right up until the day you are taller then me.
Your personality is getting so big now. Your favorite movie is Ice Age and during the scary parts you sit up on the edge of your seat and proclaim huh in an exasperated oh no sort of way. Every morning when I turn on the TV you ask me Ish Ashe (Ice Age)? You love to eat cheese, and you have recently discovered shredded cheese, which makes for a nice mess when I serve you up a big plate of grated Parmesan cheese. You think you are too old for your high chair now, so I got you a booster and you sit at the table with daddy and I.
When I ask you where your baby brother is you point to my belly and then you kiss it. I love when you do this.
In the morning when you wake up you run out of your room, climb in my bed and stick your face about an inch from mine and proudly shout MOM HI MOM HI until I roll over. If I don't roll over fast enough you grab my face turn it toward you and say MOOOOOOOOOOM HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Then I get a big hug and kiss. You only do this with me. You either know better then to wake up dad or you just can't wait to see mom. In fact if I sleep on the other side of the bed you get so pissed off at me until I move.
I've been on bed rest for a while which means I'm not allowed to pick you up. I cheat sometimes because not picking you up just kills me. I hate not feeling like I'm 100% your mom. Your the only thing in my life I feel like I do right, and the only thing I feel totally appreciated for. So not doing my job fully just kills me. I need to pick you up and hold you and spin you around and squish you and cuddle you.
I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I love you Brandon. Your still my whole world, your still the best thing I've ever done. You are probably the best thing I'll ever do. Good night my son I love you!
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