Wonder

You and I have been getting along so much better lately. You like me again. You hug and kiss me and tell me you love me again. I missed us. Your so amazing to me. Watching you learn new thins. Seeing you discover and see the ocean for the first time and seeing it as nothing more then a big pool to go swimming in. I watch you and stare at you now. I look closely for hints of the little baby I first knew. You are beautiful. I love you my son more and more every day.

Roughing it

We've been going through a rough patch. Fighting a lot lately. Your two and a half almost and you've picked me to be the person you defy. You tell me NO about 300 times a day. You challenge me and ask to go in time out rather then behave. There are moments in the day where I feel crazy and like I'm at the end of my rope. But then, you come over and curl up in my arm and say "mamma hole me" and you go to sleep. And then, just for a second, your my little baby again. Your my baby who doesn't want to fight with me, or be mad at me. You just want me to love you. And I do. I love you Brandon with all my heart. Some day we will figure this out. Until then, no matter how much we fight, you still make my heart melt, your still my world, and your still the best thing to happen to me.
I love you Brandon!

Hi son

Hi Brandon. Your brother was born 6 days ago. So far you've been an amazing big brother. You love holding Codi and "petting him". You like to watch him sleep in his bassinet and you get really upset when he cries. I hope you don't feel left out and you understand this is all going to take some adjustment. You are still so important to me and I love you just as much today as I did 6 days ago before your brother was born. There are moments when you now seem so giant to me and then there are moments when you still seem so small.

Your new favorite thing to say is, "Let's Roll." You are addicted to going to the park and love pancakes. You are so smart and it amazes me every day. Sometimes I wonder how a two year old can be so amazingly smart. I hope you know that no matter what happens I love you. Your still a major part of my life. I'm learning how to spread my love between both you and your brother now. I hope that never a day goes by where you feel any less loved. Your not, if anything I love you more watching you be an amazing big brother.

Good night my son.

I love you!

Mom.

So you always know

In 7 days I will be going to the hospital to have your brother. I will be having a big surgery. While I trust my doctor there is always the possibility something could happen. So I wanted to write you, now before it is to late.

You are two. Well two and 3.5 months. You are amazing. You are clever and it blows my mind. You are potty trained. You come to me now and tell me you are happy. You have an evil grin, a real grin and a sad face.

What you really need to know though is you are my whole life. You are my heart and soul and my world. You are the reason I was born, to be your mom. You are my everything. I don't know if any words I could write can ever express how much you are loved in this world by me. I'm not sure anyone will ever be able to tell you how much I loved you. How I loved you to the point it made me cry. How I love you to the point it hurts sometimes to breath. I love you with the weight of an entire universe. Your laugh melts my heart and cheers me up. The way you think everything is a game reminds me to slow down. The way you tell me you need mama and your blanket makes my heart stop. Your little feet running on the floor is the sweetest sound. I love looking at your small features and marveling at how tiny you are. Your nose that is half the size of mine, your tiny eye lids, your small lips your teeny cheeks. I marvel at how something so small can feel so big. You ask me for your hat and coat in the morning and it breaks my heart how grown up you are. When I eat dinner you ask if I'm done. You ask if I'm eating salad, NO, are you eating pa tay toes, NO, you eat sannwich? It is so cute when you ask what I'm eating. You call all cake birrday cake and you still say eye cream when you want some ice cream. Anytime you want cake you declare it someones birthday hoping that just by you saying it cake will appear. You call your milk nilp and you always request it chogglet.

You sleep better in my arms and you sweat so much but love to be hot. You cuddle your pillow now which I find so grown up. You want to do everything yourself and you want help at the same time.

Writing to you now is making me cry because the thought of ever having to leave you hurts me to the core. It is the most painful thing to think of besides thinking of losing you. I fear if I was to leave you would never know how I truly felt about you. You would never know my hopes and dreams for you. You would never know what your mom thought about your choices (I'll always support them). I can't imagine leaving you but I wanted to write to you now so you knew even a little bit how much you mean to me. I can't express it enough but you are my life. That is the only way to say it. If you stop breathing I stop breathing. If you hurt I hurt. If you cry I cry.

I want you to thrive in the world. I want you to fall down and get hurt because it means you weren't afraid to try. I want you to go down the big slides and across the monkey bars. I want you to snowboard and have bruises because that means you had a great time. I want you to play sports so you learn about being a team and having those close friends. I want you to give grandma hell and never take shit from anyone. I want you to love your dad unconditionally but never be afraid of him. I want you to love deeply and never be afraid of getting hurt because it just means you loved. I want you to be reliable and be on time. Never make people wait. I want you to enjoy food. Try new things and eat you way across the world. I want you to appreciate the smell of a rainy day. Know that presents aren't the most important gifts. Laugh easily at the little things. Do the things you love now instead of waiting until later or until the time is right. Make up your own mind about school. College isn't for everyone and don't forget it. Be honest and speak your mind. Don't shut down. Don't hold it all in. And if you ever have kids I hope you love them even an ounce of how much I love you. Remember physical harm is never ever the way to make your point especially with your kids. Don't be a bully be a lover. Hug your wife every day and kiss her good morning and goodnight every night. Tell those you love how much you love them every night.

Your too young to remember this but every night I kiss you and tell you I love you Brandon. Every night. You won't remember that I kiss you a 1000 times a day and hug you and just stop to rub your hair and tell you I love you. You will never remember that I always take your side and I always defend you. You will never remember that you make me the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.

I hope that you never have to read this because I'm gone, but instead you read it later in life when you have a family of your own. I hope that somehow you are able to see just how much I love you and adore you. I hope you can know that you are my whole life. No matter what anyone tells you, Brandon you are my whole universe, I love you, I cherish you and you are the best thing I ever did!

Your so happy

You have started doing something new. You come up to me, hug me and whisper, "I so happy." It melts my heart Brandon. I love knowing I make you happy. Although you say it more often when you are full of pancakes!

Brandon your mom is so happy too!

Strange eating habits

Dear son!

Today you really wanted some birfday cake. I told you no and our day went on. Later while we were at work aunty Yo was showing me the ad for Baskin Robbins. She went back in her office and the next thing we knew you ran in and stole the ad. You saw a picture of a birfday cake on it and immediately took a bite out of it. An actual bite of paper. You chewed it pretty good and then got irritated with it in your mouth. We saw you and went to take the paper from your hands and mouth so you decided to run. You ran into the living room and hurridly shoved more paper in your mouth.

Then,

You puked. You threw up your paper, and you had more paper stuck in your mouth. When I asked if you threw up you said, Yeah I frow up eye cream. We looked down and sure enough, that time you had snuck a bite of paper ice cream! You're a strange little guy!

Snuggle

Your sleeping right now. For some reason whenever you are sleeping I have the urge to run over and cuddle you. Not because I'm tired, but because it reminds me of when you were a teeny baby and you would sleep in the crook of my arm. I miss that time. When you would just come and curl up with me like I was your hero. Some times the urge to cuddle you is so hard to resist but I know if I do it you will wake right up and then that will defeat my purpose. So instead I just sit and watch you sleep, remembering a time when you were little enough to think I hung the moon.

Goood night my dear son

I love you

Trying not to melt my heart!

KISSING CODI!

THIS WAS YOU THIS MORNING WHILE I WAS GETTING READY..YOU STOPPED FOR A MOMENT TO GIVE CODI A KISS!

Your evil eye

This was you makin evil eyes at me while we were getting ready this morning. It is actually a game we play where you try and get me to copy whatever face you are making. This is your favorite face to make!

Your welcome 15 years early

This morning you and I had a big fight. You were mad!!! You were MAD in caps lock and everything. You got so mad at me I had to end up holding you down to finish my task. Do you know why you were so mad at me??????

You were mad because I tried to brush your teeth!

Thats it. That was todays big catastrophe. So after I had to basically duct tape you to the floor to brush your teeth and you made the worst cries and faces and I felt for a moment that maybe tooth brushing really was child abuse I sat you up and said lets talk. I tried to explain that you needed to brush your teeth. Your resolve was to slap me! Oh boy did shit go down then my little son. You got put right into time out (my lap in a big bear hug since we were already on the floor) and now you were really pissed. Finally I told you to look at me and that you couldn't hit. You stormed off to the bed and cried for a while. When you finally came back you were making the biggest frowny face pouty lip I have ever seen. You were pretty sad about all of it. I gave you a hug and explained that when you hit mommy it makes her sad and you have to go to time out. Finally we agreed that you would brush my teeth while I would brush your teeth and about a half hour later you finally forgave me!

I've never seen you so mad at me before all over some teeth brushing and time out. I swear you stopped loving me for three minutes this morning. However, when you are 17 in high school and all the girlies love your pearly smile, you can go ahead and thank me then for not letting you be one of those boys with green stinky teeth. So son, 15 years in advance, your welcome for helping out your future teenybopper love life!

Shhhhh

It's moments like these my son, that I know, that no matter how old you get, you will always be my baby.

Today I felt as though you were trying my patience immensely. And then as if you knew, you jumped up on the chair next to me and gave me about 10 kisses. I softened immediately. My dear son, no matter what happens, no matter how many time outs you get you are still my baby. Your still the light that lights up my day. You are my whole world. My life. You son, are the reason I wake up every day. You are growing so much before my very eyes. You say the most amazing things now. Yesterday you started saying I CAN'T. I hate hearing that. I want you to know that you CAN do anything. You seem to have gotten more needy lately. It is as though you know that your brother is coming soon. I hope I can be a strong enough mommy to make sure that you always still know you mean the world to me. I hope we can both be patient with each other. I kiss you so much every day. I feel like it's never enough kisses. Every night I kiss you goodnight and tell you I love you Brandon. I want to make sure that no matter what I love you is the last thing you hear out of my mouth. So my son, your sleeping now, here next to me, and Brandon oh how I love you. Goodnight my baby, mommy loves you!

How much I love you

Hi son. Last night I went to dinner. I was gone for five hours. On my way home I started to think of you. I started to think about how if anything ever happened to me you would be so young you would never know how much I loved you. Even if you were older you would never know.

You would never know that I love you to the deepest depth of my soul. That I love you with every thing in my body. You would never know that I love to sit and kiss your toes, and the soles of your feet. That I love to stare at your perfectly round little head. Or your puffy little cheeks and your tiny nose. How I love to hear you say the word loshish instead of lotion. How much I love being the one who knows when you say milk, or who understands that shake means you want me to flavor your milk. I love knowing when you are tired and letting you climb up on my lap and just fall asleep in my arms. I love how soft your skin is and the color of it. I love watching you eat your macaroni and the way you can't let a noodle go uneaten. I love to tickle you and hear your big giggle. When you giggle my heart stops for a second. I love watching you brush your perfect little teeth, and how you love to brush your tongue the most. I love the sad face you make when you wake up. I love when you wake me up in the morning and shout MOM. I love how you ask what I'm doing.

Brandon I just love you so much. You are the most important thing in my whole life. The best thing I've ever done. The only thing I ever need to worry about. You are the real true love of my life. I love your independence. I love how you do things your own way and how you do them like me. I love how you are a little carbon copy of everyone around you. I love when you call grandma and papa on the phone and you tell them all about mama and dada and Elmo. I love the face you make when you kiss me. You pucker your lips in the most perfect little O and give the best kisses. I love how much you enjoy whipped cream but not ice cream. I love the way you eat your Cheetos. You put one end in your mouth and say crunch crunch crunch and eat it like a rabbit eats a carrot. I love how you hold things between your pointer finger and make this cute little face when you do it.

I love when you sleep and your little lips pout out. When you sleep you look like the bald newborn I first brought home. I love to hear you breath at night. I love when you make a fist in your sleep and wiggle it back and forth like you did inside of me. I love that your personality outside is the same as it was inside. I love when you turn down my music. I think I could probably type for hours about things I love. I wont though. I will come back another time and tell you more things that I love. I want to make sure that no matter what, or when you look back and you know, your mom loved you the most int he world. No one ever loved you as much as me and I never loved anything or anyone near as much. Brandon I love you more then any words could ever describe. Good night my son. Muah!

A memory

Have I ever told you about how you used to smile and laugh when I would nurse you? When you got a little older, and you started to laugh you would do this thing where you would look up at me, and I would raise my eyebrows and you would break out in this big smile. The smile would break your latch but you wouldn't let go all the way. You would make this funny little laugh that sounded sort like henh. It was so cute. You would just look up and smile then go back to nursing and stare in my eyes. I think because I nursed you, you and I have a special bond. Maybe it isn't even that, maybe its just because you are my little boy. I think you and I were meant to have a special bond. I was born to be your mom some day and you were born to be my son. Its memories like that that remind me, you've loved me from day one, and I, well I loved you before you were even born. It's as though I spent my whole life knowing, some day I would meet you and we would fall in love, and you would look into my eyes and smile as though I was the only person you were ever going to love in your whole life!

Hi son

Dear Brandon,
Have I ever told you that I think your beautiful? Well I do. Your sitting here next to me on the couch. You have your bowl of string cheese torn into Brandon size chunks and your little green cup of water. In fact right now you shoved the computer off my lap and put my arm around you because you wanted to cuddle while you ate your cheese. I love to sit and stare at your small features some times. Like now, I'm looking at your teeny head and your feet that are half the size of mine. I'm marveling at the fact that legs are the length of my calf. I love how your fingers are the size of my toes. I love looking at how small you are sometimes because when I look at you as a whole you seem so big. Sometimes I have to break it down to remind me your still my little boy. I imagine I'll be able to do this right up until the day you are taller then me.

Your personality is getting so big now. Your favorite movie is Ice Age and during the scary parts you sit up on the edge of your seat and proclaim huh in an exasperated oh no sort of way. Every morning when I turn on the TV you ask me Ish Ashe (Ice Age)? You love to eat cheese, and you have recently discovered shredded cheese, which makes for a nice mess when I serve you up a big plate of grated Parmesan cheese. You think you are too old for your high chair now, so I got you a booster and you sit at the table with daddy and I.

When I ask you where your baby brother is you point to my belly and then you kiss it. I love when you do this.

In the morning when you wake up you run out of your room, climb in my bed and stick your face about an inch from mine and proudly shout MOM HI MOM HI until I roll over. If I don't roll over fast enough you grab my face turn it toward you and say MOOOOOOOOOOM HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. Then I get a big hug and kiss. You only do this with me. You either know better then to wake up dad or you just can't wait to see mom. In fact if I sleep on the other side of the bed you get so pissed off at me until I move.

I've been on bed rest for a while which means I'm not allowed to pick you up. I cheat sometimes because not picking you up just kills me. I hate not feeling like I'm 100% your mom. Your the only thing in my life I feel like I do right, and the only thing I feel totally appreciated for. So not doing my job fully just kills me. I need to pick you up and hold you and spin you around and squish you and cuddle you.

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I love you Brandon. Your still my whole world, your still the best thing I've ever done. You are probably the best thing I'll ever do. Good night my son I love you!

BRANDON SPEAK

I thought it would be fun to post the words you can say...only how you actually say them, so here goes

Outside = outfigh
Dad is at work = dada wook
Apple= Abble
Cheese= Sheese
Telletubbies= Tellietell
Gum= dum
Milk= nilk
More= mow
Ride= wide
Thank you- dankdoo
I love you= wuv ewe

This pretty good considering you say the other 40 words you know almost perfectly!

My big boy

Hi kiddo. Its Wednesday. Saturday you got a hair cut. This wasn't your first hair cut, it was however your first big boy hair cut. You went from my sweet little angelic baby to, well, a toddler. I'm having a bit of a break down over this. You look so grown up I'm not sure what to do. Every time I try and nuzzle your hair I get poked by your new spikes. To remind me how grown up you are you have started talking. By far your most favorite thing to do is ask me for Gum. All day long, Gum, Gum? GUM? Darn what do I do when I have no gum? You think my prenatal vitamins are gum, along with my Malox and cough drops. At the end of meals you have started telling me you are DONE rather then throwing your entire bowl on the floor to let me know. I love this. I really prefer hearing done, done done done doooooooone to seeing macaroni fly by my head. You like to bring daddy his work boots in the morning when he is getting ready for work. Just now you lugged out each boot (they are heavy for you) while he was getting ready for his softball game. I wonder if daddy knows he has to wear those boots now or you will be soooo sad since you carried them all the way from the laundry room.

You can point out tons of body parts including, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, foot, belly and your pee pee. When I say wheres your pee pee you thrust your pelvis and grab your diaper just like Michael Jackson. Today I took off your shoes and you ran and put them in your closet. Then you grabbed a diaper sat on the floor and put it under you. I guess you were telling me your diaper was wet.

Yesterday you got your first real head gash that gushed blood and everything. By gushed blood I meant there was a whole entire drop of blood that formed. Today grandma bumped you accidentally and broke it open again and this time two drops of blood. TWO!

When I go to the bathroom you love to wad up toilet paper and try and stick it between my legs into the toilet. The only way I can convince you to stop is to give you gum.

You loooove watermelon, apples and bananas. You also looove macaroni. You don't like mashed potatoes and barely tolerate meat. It has to be hidden in something like spaghetti. You are looking at me right now with watermelon juice dripping down your face and I want to lick it, but you beat me to it.

In the morning when I eat my cereal you run over and open your mouth saying aahhhhh which means hey lemme drink the milk out of your bowl. So now I give you a little bowl with your own cereal and milk. You wait a minute for the chocolate to come off your cocoa crispies and then pick up the bowl with both hands and slurp out all of the milk.

Lately you have started saying Tellie tell which means Telletubbies. You love to watch them and you let me know by saying Tellie tell. The same goes for Elmo which you almost always want to watch. You also love to carry around your Elmo. Tonight you pulled out a giant container of Emerils seasoning and opened up the velcro back of him and proceeded to season him up. I almost died laughing until I realized that you were actually dumping seasoning EVERYWHERE.

I still love you more then the entire universe. I still get all misty eyed and gaga when I think about how much I love you. Your my whole world. I am so thankful I had you because (to steal a movie line here) you complete me little guy.

Elmo

Hi son. Today we got a second copy of the movie ELMO IN GROUCHLAND. You were so happy you declared your shoes Elmo, your pants, your nose and everything in the room Elmo. It was very cute. You started jumping up and down yelling ELMO. You say Elmo, clear as day and perfect. It is very cute. You love getting your diapers now because they have Elmo on them. You also only want to watch movies that contain Elmo or have Elmo on the front.

In other news you can point to your nose, ears, mouth, belly and eyes.

BIG BROTHER!!

Hi little boy. Last week we found out you are going to be a big brother. I am very happy, but at the same time I'm a little sad because you are still so little that I still think of you as my baby. I am terrified you will feel jealous or like I love you any less because another baby is coming. I hope you know, no matter what I always love you and I always will. I can't wait until you become a big brother and teach your sibling valuable lessons like how to pick your nose, cuss and throw things!

Words you can say this month:
Elmo (no clue how you picked that up so fast)
Shannon (he says this while referring to me)
Mama
Dada
Papa
Nose
Mine
Thanks
Dog
Pees (Please)
Cheeto's
Cheese
Uh oh
Whoah
Ball
Sh*t
F**k
Baby
Ya
No
Bye

Thats a lot of words. I would appreciate if you would forget the last two thank you!

I love you son, more then words will ever be able to say.

Today we rode to work on my bike. I put you in your little seat on the back with about 100 shirts and your little helmet and you just loved it. You woofed at the dogs we passed and said Whoah when we went over curbs. I can't wait to ride you back home. You just set the alarm off at work and it scared the crap out of you.

I knew this day would come

Sigh. Today you tasted Rusty and America's dog bones. I don't think you like them. I don't think so because you threw them up!

Fuzz

You pick the fuzz from your socks out of your toes. you love to do it. The first thing you do when you take off your socks is grab your foot, pull it up to your face and start pulling your toes apart looking for the EVIL sock fuzzies. You start with your big toe. You pull it about 43 inches away from the next to and stare intently between the two then smoosh your pointer finger and thumb down in there and wiggle them around until you find some fuzz or at least some imaginary fuzz. Only you can get the fuzz out. If I try and help you get so angry at me and shout MUAHASH until I leave you to pick your toes on your own.

Also, you like to stick cheerios between your toes and then stick your foot out and admire your handy work.

Hi son

Hi my son. It is February 15th 2007. We are at work now. You are outside riding around in the bobcat back ho with Papa and I'm having a nervous break down. I know you do it all the time, but every time I swear my heart jumps up into my throat. I can't say no though because it makes you so happy. You feel so cool and like such a big boy riding around with Papa. I on the other hand am a pile of trembling nerves. I can't believe how grown up you are. Today you were walking around chewing your gum with your 4 and 3/4 teeth like you were a snotty teen in high school. I was eating my pudding cup at my desk and I got up for a second to go in another office. When I cam back, you had climbed up on my chair and pulled yourself toward my desk and were helping yourself to my pudding. I was just talking to grandma and we were talking about how I guess moms never ever stop worrying about their kids. I worry like crazy about you. I'm glad you are outside having fun helping move rocks right now but please know that your mommy is inside freaking out.

02.09.07

Dearest Brandon
It is February 9th 2007. I can’t believe another year has come and gone. It seems like ever since I had you time flies by. You do so much now that I can’t help but just sit and stare at you. I’m still absolutely in love with the back of your head. It is so round and beautiful. You finally started drinking regular milk and you started gaining weight a little from that. This week though, you got sick and lost 3 pounds. It was such a hard week watching you be sick. There were some slightly amusing times though. Like when you threw up on grandpa or when I opened your diaper three times in one day to find something that looked and smelled like chicken gravy with eggs in it. Your finally getting better which means your strutting around throwing high fives around like the big man you are. This week, I swear you started telling me No. In fact at dinner tonight I got a No, no noooooeeeeeee out of you.
Today when we were sitting at work and you were on my lap, you picked up your sippy cup and I realized that I love that first drink you take. I love the way your mouth looks right before you open it to put the straw in your mouth. I even love the sound you make when you take that first sip. I love how you come sit right in my lap now. I love when you want to sit in my lap you turn around and back into me until I pick you up. Then you grab your little cup by both handles and I get to watch that first sip from the front row. I love how you grab my hand and take me to where you want to be. I love how you still sleep in bed with me even though I’m letting everyone think I am “TRYING” to get you to sleep in the little bed I got you at the end of my bed.
As I mentioned you were sick this week. Everyone kept asking me, “Isn’t it so hard, aren’t you so upset?” But I have a secret to share with you. I actually enjoyed the time with you. You wanted to cuddle me, and just sit with me, and hug me and be with me. For the first time while you were sick you reached over and hugged me and wouldn’t let me go. I would try and move and you would tighten your grip. It reminded me of the episode where a moms teenage son starts to get sick and she gets so excited because he actually needs her again and calls her mommy. It was like all the sudden while you were sick you realized you could trust me and maybe you started to grasp the concept of love. Real love. Love like I feel for you. I feel you pumping through my veins. I think about you ever single second of the day. I worry and fret all the time about losing you or you losing me. I’m always wondering if I’m being the best mom for you. Every night before we go to bed while you are asleep I lean over and whisper, “I love you Brandon” with hopes that if your hear it while you are sleeping somehow it will burn so far into your brain, that you will remember now matter what how much your mom loves you. I hope someday you find these letters, most of them are in your scrapbook, and you know that you, my son, were really truly loved. Loved like most people spend their whole lives hoping they can be loved. Loved like I hope some day you grow up and feel for someone. Loved like you will only know the day your first child is born.
Okay enough sappy mush mush. A few other things you do now. You lift up your shirt and puff out your belly and stick it out like a Telletubbie, anytime someone says ”where’s your belly?” You know how to open every DVD player and you put in your favorite DVD’s. You can turn on the Superman TV in your room and then you climb in your rocking chair and watch previews until the play menu comes on. You can put the shapes inside the holes in all of your learning toys. You know how to close doors, and if you have a stool you can open them also. You can flush the toilet, while someone is sitting on it even, also you can open the lid, dip the whole roll of toilet paper in and then make little toilet paper balls all over the bathroom. You can also drop stuff in the toilet and then fish it out with the plunger. You can climb almost anything and jump off, HOPING, someone catches you. Sometimes they don’t and you fall into a pile on the floor. You can spin in one and a half circles and fall down. You know where your milk is in the fridge and also where mom stashes the Hershey’s kisses. You know exactly what face to make to get mom to give you the kisses. When you do something wrong, or someone gets hurt, or you just feel like it, you make the most adorable kissy face until someone gives you a kiss. You love Grandma and Papas dogs and you feed them Cheetos all day long. You also painted Rusty dog with chocolate pudding, after you had painted your face and legs. You are starting to fall in love with your daddy and sometimes it makes me sad when you go to him, but mostly it makes me so happy to see you and your daddy together.
I had so many beautiful things I wanted to say tonight in this letter but as always I forget them all by the time I come home and all I can do is think about how crazy in love I am with you. So if I haven’t said it enough, Brandon, you are my whole world. You are my universe, my sun, my rain, my night and my day. You make me whole. I love you Brandon more then you may ever know. However, I sure hope you know. I hope everyday your mad at me when your older, you remember, I love the world out of you. I hope when you are grounded or in time out, you remember that no matter what I’m sitting there hurting as bad as you, because I can’t be kissing and hugging you at that moment. I hope you know that every single moment of the day, I want to be kissing and hugging and smelling and snuggling you. I love you Brandon. No matter what happens in my life, you will always be the Best thing I ever did.

Love you.

Mommy

P.S. This is your adorable kissy face.

11.26.06

Dear Brandon,
It is November 26, 2006 at 8:56 in the morning. You are sleeping here next to me on a pillow. You are so little sometimes that still amazes me because you are growing so fast. You just woke up and climbed in my lap. I love that. I love when you just come sit in my lap and hang out. I had to take a break from typing to do upside down baby. That just cracks you up plus I can see your little teeth. You have eight teeth now. They are soooo cute. I still love to look at your little head. I can’t stop kissing it in the back right where your hair swirls. I am so crazy for you. I wanted to make sure I wrote you to tell you how much I love you. You are my whole entire world. I hope someday you will remember how much I love you. How happy you make me. You have the best personality. You like to sit in my lap and watch movies. Right now your favorite movies are Madagascar and The Incredible’s. At your last doctors visit you wee 32 inches tall. You also finally got to turn around and face forward in your car seat. You love to drink vanilla, strawberry and chocolate milk. However you wont have anything to do with regular milk. I finally quit breast feeding you and I’m pretty sad about it. I really miss it. That was one of my most favorite times to spend with you. You really love to eat oatmeal and we have it together for breakfast almost every morning. You climb everything now its amazing. You are a regular old monkey. I love watching you but sometimes you scare the heck out of me. So far you say momma, cheese, uh oh spaghettios and Oh shit. Yes you say that word and its all my fault. You also love to stick your tongue out and make funny faces and be silly. I love it. You are very good at telling me what you want. You know where the cheese is and you show me when you want that or your milk. You love when dad spins you around and makes you dizzy and you have actually taught yourself how to do it. The cat has become your best friend lately. Sometimes you even like to jump on him and sometimes you just lay on the floor and cuddle with him.

07.31.06

Dear Brandon,
It is July 31st 2006. You are turning one tomorrow. I can’t believe it has been a year. To me it feels like you are only five months old. Every day you amaze me. At nine months you started walking and I couldn’t believe it. You already say mama and it makes me so happy to hear. Recently you started clapping, climbing, running, throwing, feeding yourself finger foods and playing peek-a-boo (even though you only cover half your eyes). I know I am supposed to be sad that you are getting so old, and although part of me is the rest of me is so happy to watch you grow and learn. You just climbed up on the couch and gave me a kiss. You learned that about a month ago. You woke up one day and rolled over and gave me a kiss and then rolled the other way and kissed daddy. Yes you still sleep with mommy and daddy. I am not ready to leave you all alone yet. At work you have a toddler bed with Superman sheets and you like to sleep in it and also jump in it. You learned to take your diaper off and you think that it is great to run around naked. Last week you pulled your diaper off and peed on the floor in the bathroom and splashed around in it. I couldn’t believe my eyes. So far you have 2 full teeth and three more poking through. Teething has been very hard for you. I feel so bad and I feel even worse when I have to give you Oragel because you really really hate it. Wait I have to go get you daddy went into the shower and you are very upset. We had to compromise and come in the bathroom with him. Your favorite cookies are mini vanilla wafers. You are trying to say daddy but I’m not sure you relate the word to the person yet. I’m not sure you can believe it but I still fall more in love with you every day. I am so crazy for you. I get scared because I think that someday when you are older you will never relize how much I love you. I want you to have everything in life and be as happy as possible. I hope you are never hurt. Although I know those times will come when you will be hurt physically and emotionally I can only hope you come to me for help and advice. I have started singing you to sleep and sometimes I wonder if you just fall asleep so I will quit singing. You are playing with the closet doors right now and you are so happy. You love to open and close them. At work you like to pull out files and empty out grandmas purse. You also know which cabinet has the Apple Jacks for you to go and snack on them. Your birthday is going to be Saturday August 5th at the park by grandma’s house. I hope you have a great time. I am decorating it with fun colors and colors that match your outfit. Dad and I have already started a savings account for you and you have over $3,000.00 already. The cool part is that for each dollar you put in you ear rocky bucks and you can use them to buy neat things at the bank. Already you have a couple rocky bucks. I am trying not to yell at you when you are bad because I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I just tried putting you in your playpen for time out. I’ve never done that before but lately you really like hitting people and I don’t want you to keep doing it. Okay you are crying now so I guess I will go get you. Anyway son I hope you had a wonderful first year of life. I love you so much it makes my heart feel like exploding. I hope that all the rest of your years only continue to get better. I love you my son so very much. Okay son we just got you to sleep and I am embarrassed to admit I have started to cry. I guess I am a little sad that you are growing up so quickly. Your dad just said before we know it you will be graduating high school and I can’t even think about that. Have I told you my favorite part of you is the back of your head. I love the way it curves and the way your hair is. I can stare at the back of your head for hours. I love to watch you play and look at your neck and your hair and your body and just see how you have grown. I really love you son. I love you more then any thing on this planet. In fact you are my planet. My whole world revolves around you. I can’t imagine not having you. I don’t know what I did with my day before you were born. You fell asleep on your dad. I just took some pictures of you two so when I scrap book this page I can put a picture of you when you were a newborn on him and I can put a picture of you now. That way we can see how much you have grown. Okay well I just wanted to come back and tell you that I can’t wait to see what a man you will turn into but I’m thoroughly enjoying having my little boy with me now. Again my son I love you with all of my heart♥
Mom

01.14.06

Dear Brandon,
Hello son. It is January 14, 2006 I spent the New Year with you. You have now had your first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. You have become such personality. I can’t even believe it. I am amazed at you everyday. You are eating baby food now and I feel so sad sometimes at how much my baby is growing up and you are only five and a half months old. Right now you are sitting next to me lounging in your Hanes sweat pants. Wait I’m going to take a picture of you. Well I tried but you were in the middle of pooping so you didn’t feel much like smiling. You are so big now. Last time I weighed you, you were fifteen whole pounds. I couldn’t believe it. I love you so much. You have started to crawl. The only thing is that you only know how to go backwards. It totally cracks me up. You can go pretty fast though. One minute I see you and the next minute you disappear behind the couch. At work you can make it almost all the way around my desk to try and find me. I love it because right now you are going through a phase where you are totally in love with me. You even reach for me now, which just melts my heart. You still sleep with me. Yes you do sleep with me. I’m sorry if that ruins you when you are older but your mom loves you so much she can’t bear to leave you alone yet. You also love to chew on anything you can get your hands on. Today we were sitting at the table and you reached behind you and pulled the leaves off my plant. I took em away but you thought it was so great you reached right back and did it again. It was so cute and funny. At work you sit in your little chair at my desk and you do your “paper work.” I give you all the envelopes from the mail (after I removed the part that was licked) and you shuffle them around and do paper work just like mommy. You also love to type. I just decorated your bathroom. Its so cute. It has monkeys and lions and giraffes and zebras and elephants. It’s a very cute little boy bathroom. Your dad is changing your diaper now so I have a second to run to the bathroom. He says the cutest things to you. He also makes the cutest noises at you. I really love watching you and him together. You have this little toy it’s called a jumparoo. You can go in it and jump around the living room. It is the cutes thing ever. When you get mad you bounce really hard. When you want out you reach up now. At night you sleep between your dad and I. Alright you have a clean diaper now so you smiled for a picture. You are also talking gibberish to me. Your little noises and sounds are so cute. You get going so good and I always wonder what you are saying. You see the keyboard and are dying to type on
It. Uh oh here you go you are starting to type. Mnjhbm nujykullllllllllllllll,mn µ≈≥, /, kmp09o8hyyyjkoi7bh hm jjjjjjjjjjjjjjmnb jmmmmmmmmmmm,.

Okay I am trying to take control of the keyboard back but you aren’t letting me do it so well. You are still pretty bald but I love your little hairs. When you get out of a shower and your hair first dries it dries in a little Mohawk. I love it because I wanted to give you a Mohawk before you were even born. Your little hands have finally uncurled and you can pick up everytHI|[]nG. }YOU ]a
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T Laugh ever. (can you tell you found the keyboard again?) Anyway you love to laugh at all the funny noises I make and my silly dances. Dad makes fun of me because I make up funny songs and sing them to you. I sing one that your dad laughs at the most and it goes…here I go walking down the street, the cutest baby you ever did meet. I also remake songs. I sing to you…tiny poopoo in my diaper makes me feel sad makes me feel sad. Yes your mom is a total weirdo. Sorry dear your probably going to be a little odd like me. You are next to me on your belly bouncing all around and it is really cute. I love it. I just sat you up and was told GARARARAR oooogogogg. You might be pooping again. I don’t know if I am supposed to laugh or look away when you poop. You make the funniest noise kind of a grunt and you turn bright red. You are dying to walk and crawl forward. It is so fun to watch you try and crawl forward. At night when you are hungry and we are on opposite sides of the bed you can actually crawl towards me. You have a hold of your toes now. I guess they are pretty fascinating. My favorite part of you is your tooshy. I love your tooshy. You are the cutest hwen when you are just naked but your diaper. I love everything about you. I want you to know how much I love you. You are my world. You make my world go around. I love you so much more then I think you will ever be able to remember. Everyone tells me that when you are older you are not going to remember how much I love you and kiss you and hug you. So I’m telling you now. I kiss you a million times everyday and hug you every time I get a chance to. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. I don’t know how I ever existed with out you. I just want to make sure you know. I love you more then anything in this world. I will always love you. I don’t care what you do your mom is always going to be on your side. I am here for you forever and always. I hope you achieve amazing things. I hope all of your dreams come true. And I hope you have the best life possible.
I love you my son.

11.18.05

Dear Brandon,
Hi Son! It is Friday November 18, 2005. Today we are packing to move into our new house. We move tomorrow. I am so sad that you won’t remember your first house. But I do have pictures of your first room (that to date you still haven’t spent a night in.) You must be wondering why you are three and a half months old and I am just now writing to you. Well the truth is that I have so much fun being with you that I haven’t wanted to take the time away to do it. So now you’re sitting here on your gym on the floor gurgling at that other baby in the mirror. My what a chatter box you have become. And you speak with such an expression filled face. You really really love looking at yourself in the mirror and you have even figured out how to use the mirror to look at other people and things. Right now your favorite toy is this yellow very soft giraffe on a round rattle. This rattle and everything else you touch now immediately go into your mouth. I’m going to talk a little bit about your birth now. First of all I had a C-section. So that means that I went in at about 4:00 PM to have you and then at 4:28 PM. It was all very fast one minute you weren’t there and then in about 10 seconds you were. They told me I was gonna feel a little tug and the next thing I knew I heard you screaming. I was sooo happy to hear you cry because I knew that meant you were good and healthy. Dad watched the whole thing and was so happy to see them pull you out. After you came out they wiped you up a little and handed you to dad. They also gave him a thing to suck the boogers out of your nose. He couldn’t do it. Still to this day he won’t do it. He hates to do anything to make you cry which means mom gets stuck taking your temperature and sucking out your boogers. Anyway back to your birthday. After dad got to show you to me for a second they took you and dad to another room to check you out. First they gave you a bath. You didn’t like it one bit until the lady would clean your head then you would get this little smile on your face and close your eyes like it was just pure heaven. Then the lady combed your hair into the cutest little Mohawk. After that they put you in a fresh diaper and they put you under a little baby warmer. They put a little thing on your belly to take your temperature and the first thing you did was reach right up and try and pull it off. You and dad had quite the tug o war over that thing. After about an hour when I was all done being stitched up and I could feel my legs again the wheeled you into me. The nurses though we should see if you could eat. So they were holding you and about to hand you to me and I talked a little and as soon as you heard my voice your little mouth started sucking away even though all it was getting was air. You latched on right away to eat and have been breast feed ever since that day. I only got to see you for about ten minutes then dad followed you back down to the room where they checked you all out. Later they brought you into my hospital room all swaddled up in a blanket. It was at that moment I knew you were stuck with me forever. That’s right there is no getting rid of me baby. We had so much fun with you in the hospital. We learned the very first day you don’t like having your arms wrapped up one bit. And still to this day you get very upset if we try and swaddle up your arms. Dad also got to change your first poopy diaper that day and he was pretty grossed out by it. He still gets a little nervous when you have a real big pooper. We also learned that you don’t like to sleep alone and I don’t like you to sleep alone. And finally we learned that you are the cutest baby who had ever been born. You had tons and tons of visiters in the hospital. Grandma and Grandpa Weakland came first and then a whole bunch more came. Heres the list. Aunt Lisa, Uncle Bernard and your cousin Jaida, Aunt Katie McCann, Shanna Kibbe, Uncle Mike Brady, Mike Byrnes, Grandma Arrate, Susie Arrate, Grandpa Arrate, your dads friend Peter from work, Aunt Yo, Valarie Blanchard from WNS, and every morning your Uncle Rick would sneak past security to come see you and hold you and talk to you. He had to sneak because he always came in before visiting hours, Finally four days later we got to take you home. I carried you out (well I was holding you and they wheeled me out in a wheel chair.) Then we spent about twenty minutes in the waiting room at the hospital trying to figure out how to make your carseat work. Finally we put you in the car and off we went. We stopped to get some lunch and when we got home you wanted to eat right away and at that moment I realized I would never eat when I wanted to again. I also learned you only slept when I didn’t want to and you were only awake when I was tired. But I didn’t care you and me were having so much fun. It has been over three months now and every day I’m still amazed at how much I love you. I never knew it was possible to love some one as much as I love you. And just when I think I can’t love you anymore you smile at me or talk to me or sneeze or even cry. Since we were in the hospital you have done this thing where you stick out your bottom lip and pout and that might just be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Now when it comes to your dad man I’ve never seen a guy so far gone in love with some one. He is so sweet and so gentle with you. And he wants to do everything. He makes sure he helps me out as much as possible cuz he wants you to know him as much as you know me. In fact right now you have a little crush on your dad. You used to have one on me but now its dad. When we hang out on the couch you sit and look at him and talk to him until he will look at you and then you break out in the hugest smile ever. At work when I put his picture on the computer screen you talk to it forever. In fact your dad is so smitten with you he won’t do anything that might upset you. He even gets mad when I tickle your little feet. Even though you smile and laugh like crazy when I do it. If you are crying and hungry he will come running in and go mommy mommy feed me. And if I go to the store and you start crying with him he will send me a picture and say hurry home. It makes your dads heart hurt any time you cry. Yes it’s a fact you might be the most spoiled with love baby I know. You sleep with me every night. You fit right into the crook of my arm and fall asleep eating with me every night. Every morning when you wake up I’m convinced you weigh about ten pounds more. In fact right now on your bedroom scale it says you weigh 13 and a half pounds. That is double the size when you were born. I can’t decide now if you are really big or if you are still really small. Sometimes when someone else holds you, you look like the littlest thing ever. Then when I hold you, you feel like a little giant. I hold you a lot because I love having you near me. I have about 400 hundred pictures of you already. Actually everyone even dad laughs at all the pictures I take of you but they don’t see that you are a complete ham and you loooooove having your photo taken. You also like when other people hold you. You love to explore other people and faces. You aren’t afraid of people so far. You even smile at Meister Cat when you are on the floor now. Okay well I have to take a bit of a break because you are starting to cry and you want to eat. You have had all the finger chewing you can handle for one day. I love you I’ll be back.

07.13.05

Hi son.
It is Saturday July 30, 2005. You are going to be born in two days. I know this because I am scheduled to have a C-Section on Monday. So you will be born on your due date. I chose to have a C-Section because the doctor estimates that you are about 8 and a half pounds. He said if I wait for you to come out on your own you could be around 9 or 10 pounds. Holy Cow. You are going to be born around 4:30PM on Monday August 1st, 2005. We have decided to change your name. It is now going to be Brandon Cooper Gabriel Mateo. Cooper comes from dads friend Kenneth Cooper. He died when I first met your dad. Gabriel comes from Grandpa Kirks mom. Her name is Gabie and her fathers name is Gabriel. Kirk asked me to name you that because your due date is also your great grandma Gabies birthday. I am so nervous to know that you are going to be here in two days. I am ecstatic to meet you but I am terrified of the surgery. Every one is so excited to see you. Dad is going out of his mind and Grandma and Grandpa Weakland are over the moon. They are going to take the day off work just to meet you. You feel so big. I will be shocked if you weigh less then 7.5 pounds. I sure hope that I am a good mother. I am so afraid I might mess something up. I hope you like me. I got to see you in a sonogram last week. You looked like dad. But who knows maybe you won’t. In the picture I swear you have dads nose. I saw you blink also and I think my heart melted right at that moment. Okay well I think the next time I write to you, you will be here. I hope you enjoy my letters. I love you Brandon.
Mommy

05.26.05

Hello Son.
It is Thursday May 26th 2005. I’m just a little over 30 weeks pregnant now. Your room is all ready for you to move in. I washed and folded all of your little tiny clothes already. I can’t believe how teeny you are going to be. I seem to get full so much easier now. I ate lunch today at 12:00 and its 8:12 at night and I’m still too full to eat dinner. You have started to get the hiccups about twice a day and at least once at night. They drive me nutty. Imagine me sitting next to you poking you every five seconds in the arm. You wouldn’t like it very much. The only thing that keeps me from going completely crazy is knowing that is supposed to be healthy for you it means you are learning to breath. I have started playing you music that I hope you like. Some of the songs I play you are Lynard Skynards “Simple Man,” Sade’s “By your Side,” and U2’s “ The Sweetest Thing.” I think you like it you don’t kick me when you listen which I assume means you like it. Although I have heard that you can hold very still when you are unhappy. Your little bag is all packed for the hospital and I hope I remembered everything. I’m not really afraid of labor at this point because I am so excited to meet you. Your dad is getting really excited to meet you also. We both talk and wonder about what you will look like. Will you be tan like dad or bright white like mom? Dad is really excited to come home at night after work and hold you. I can’t wait to see the two of you together. I think it is going to make my heart melt. I love it when you kick and move now because I can see it outside of my belly. It is funny because it looks like an alien is inside of my belly like you would see in a movie. Dad thinks it is scary when you do a big move or he sees my belly bounce. It is funny that you move around all day until someone other then me touches my belly. Sometimes you move for dad but not often. In fact at night when you really get going and I can feel your elbows, knees, arms, legs, toes and your nose I have to ask your dad to put his hand on my belly so you will stop moving long enough for me to go to sleep. I think you still like it when I eat frozen yogurt and you are really developing a taste for Mexican food. Everything is a lot spicier to me now so I can’t enjoy some of my favorite foods anymore. Sometimes it is so hot it almost makes me cry. I hope you are like your dad and you can handle spicy foods. I have gone 30 weeks so far with out eating any meat. Then suddenly I woke up this morning and I couldn’t get the thought of ribs and hot dogs out of my mind. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I can make a veggie hot dog and that will curve the craving. I’m pretty excited for you to hurry up and be here. We saw some babies in the hospital nursery the other day and I can’t believe how little and red you are going to be. I don’t even know you and I already love you. I think dad feels the same way. His only concern is that you are healthy. Dad has asthma and he is hoping you don’t have that. Mom had to go get a test done this weekend to find out if I have gestational diabetes. I really don’t want to take it because I have to drink a giant glass of sugary soda and then sit for an hour and wait for them to poke me with a needle. However if I don’t hurry up and take it I won’t be able to receive any medicine in the hospital. Okay Brandon I am done babbling to you for tonight. I can’t wait to meet you. I hope you recognize me. I also hope you keep kicking me right up until the day you are born.
Love Mommie

04.02.05

It’s Saturday April 2, 2005 and I’m sitting here writing to you so I can put this in your scrapbook. Our cat Meister is running around like a crazy cat trying to play fetch with me right now. I am a day away from being twenty-two weeks along in this pregnancy and I am finally starting to feel good. I spent the first three months of this pregnancy vomiting over half of the meals I consumed. Your dad was convinced that since I was getting so sick you were for sure going to be a boy. Your dad said right away he hoped you were a boy but I wasn’t sure yet what I wanted. I think I figured it out about a week before we found out what you were. I was driving up the road one day in March and I saw a little boy about 5 years old standing outside in his Spiderman Halloween costume. That got me thinking and I realized that I didn’t want to spend the next ten years having to make princess dresses for Halloween. I waited until about four o’clock in the morning to wake up your father and ask him what he was for Halloween. His answer was a baseball player, a baseball player, Robin, a baseball player. Immediately I got excited at the idea of dressing you and your dad up as baseball players for Halloween. I started to dream of Batmans, Spidermans, Cowboys and Indians and I just knew you were a boy. The day we found out you were a boy both of us were so happy. We couldn’t wait to start decorating your bedroom. I have been able to feel you move for about a month now and it is very weird. Sometimes I can tell you are defiantly kicking me. Other times it feels like you are just splashing around in there as though you were in a swimming pool. When we went in for your sonogram we were able to see you move around inside me. The lady doing the sonogram was pushing the equipment into my belly was near your head and we could see you getting frustrated that she was pushing the equipment on your head. So you started trying to jump up and head butt the area that was pushing you. We could even see you start stomping up and down. It was so cute. Sometimes when I feel you move I wonder if it is something I ate or drank making you move. I don’t eat spicy food so I wonder if you will like it. I can’t wait to find out what you are going to looks like. I have been dreaming about you and I can’t wait to find out if you look like how I dreamed you. One of my favorite things about waiting for you to come is buying you little clothes. I get really excited about the little tiny socks. I think dad is the most excited about getting to teach you how to play baseball.